New beginnings, recollections on the past.

I have been pondering for days now, what to write about in this "blog". Should it be clever musings, or anecdotes that I find particularly amusing? A deep and complex look into my own psychi? Or random, sometimes incoherent ramblings spewed from my brain in times of fevered thinking. As I sat and pondered this I wondered how exactly I got to the point with which I now reside. What has brought me to this juncture in my life? And what particular events shaped who I now am. Now THAT was some deep thinking, right there. I decided to start simply and logically, thanks to some thought provoked by a fellow, and long time Blogger. How I have grown, what changes have occurred in me, and how my outlook on this wonderous life has been altered. The man I now am, although at it's core remains, and the boy I once was. I found a few things I wrote not too many years ago, but noticeably different from the mindset I now control. Let us examine.


---So I won't hesitate no more, no more

1. I hate wearing pants.

2. For some reason I find shaving cream highly amusing.

3. When I was young I couldn't pronounce my name, so I always said Jah-oo-wah

4. In 5th grade I went nuts on my teacher, cursed her out, threw a desk, and ran out of school.

5. In 3rd Grade I cursed out my teacher, told her she was a bitch, and said she couldn't teach.

6. In 6th grade my antics caused a teacher of mine to have a nervous breakdown and she was out of school for a few weeks.

7. I think when I was young I had some authority issues.

8. My entire life I've wanted to move to Europe, get a job in some small town and live simply and happily for the rest of my life.

9. I daydream 80% of the day, everyday.

10. I absolutely love to cook, but rarely eat what I do cook when finished.

11. I pulled the muscle(Rhomboid) connecting my spinal cord to my scapula ( shoulder blade ), by hitting a big ass bong too hard.

12. I daydream myself to sleep every night.

13. I can only fall asleep with the TV on if it's a program I'm not interested in.

14. Writing is a huge passion of mine, if I thought I could make a living doing it, I would.

15. I've never met my father.

16. I listen to at least one vinyl record every day.

17. One day I will be very famous.

18. I own a bottle of Love Spell hand lotion, and love the smell.

19. I am extremely laid back, sometimes to the point of not caring about anything, except my family and friends.

20. If It wouldn't hurt my family and loved ones I would move around the world exploring everything.

21. Sometimes I feel that I don't belong.

22. I think everyone should have their heart broken, it gives you a whole new perspective on life.

23. I am completely in awe and fascinated by the stars and the sky.

24. I think not enough people appreciate the beauty of the world around them.

25. Up until 8th grade I was a soprano 1.


-I really wish i was your teacher. I think it would have been a hell of a trip. And a good one...a REAL good one.-

Words can mean the Earth.I wrote this one late evening ( not the above quote, that was said by a dear friend) after reading a post made by a friend. The challenge was to write 25 random “facts” about yourself. I of course decided to use this as an outlet for humor ( As I tend to use most things for ) But, at the same time there were certain things I was bitter about. I’ve Italicized and underlined the “facts” that have remained un-changed, a constant within myself. I’ve made bold those which I wrote to express discontentment, with my own life.

I still hate wearing pants, if I could I’d walk around all day with my Jim Johnson out for the world to see. Sometimes the simplest pleasures remain the most desired. I would still like to move to a rural town, possibly in the mountains of Spain or Italy, settle down and live a quaint, happy and content life. Wherein I find happiness and joy in everything around me, sustained by my own imagination and love. I would daydream myself to sleep along side of my deepest loved one, every night knowing, that they too are content. I would spend my days writing, learning and gaining all of the knowledge possible to feed a never ending hunger. My Father. To this very day I have never met him. For a long time I held resentment, although if you asked me I’d respond with a huge “ Who needs him anyway, I turned out great without him.” Inside though, there was a sort of emptiness. It took me a long time to let go and be at peace, but when I was finally able it was a weight lifted from my soul. I was able to stop trying to please others and make them happy with what I was, and gained a huge amount of confidence knowing that I am, who I am. I wanted to be so famous everyone would know my name, not for the sense of accomplishment but solely the fame. I’ve learned that in this Journey of Life it is our actions that define us, and not the end result. I don’t care if I’m ever a superstar but knowing that those who love me see me as one, is gratification enough. I’m still superbly laid back, confident, happy, charming etc. I’ve gained the ability through the years to channel that energy to the right means to further myself and my goals. One day I will travel, I will see the world, and I will share it with my love. Meaning, I want my life to a vessel of happiness not only for me, but for those whom associate themselves with me, and who love me. Maybe I don’t belong. I had this feeling of being an outsider, as many others have felt before. But mine was so because of my personality and my own fears and insecurities. I am crazy, eccentric, outgoing, wild, loud, obnoxious, charming, and out of control. I used to feel like I would never find someone that would make me feel content with that, but there are those who understand me, and I am forever in their debt. They have shown me that it is okay to stand alone, even though I thought I previously understood that the support always helps.  I think everyone should have their heart broken, it gives you a whole new perspective on life. I don’t wish this pain upon anyone. I wrote that in spite, out of hurt and sadness in a time of depression, when I thought I’d never find the light. I can agree it gives you a new appreciation for life and for those around you. I hurt for a long time, but in the end I made peace and was able to feel that strongly again. If anything it showed me that you have to grasp on to the people in life that make you feel love, even if you’re scared, afraid, timid or unsure. When you have that connection, when you find someone that makes you want to be better than yourself, makes you feel so deeply that all you can do is beam. Hold on and never let go. Chase it no matter how far, and know that no matter the outcome you made the right choice. The last two kind of go one in the same. There is no greater source of bewilderment than that of nature. The sky, day or night, is an infinite source of wonder. To this day I still take the time to lay down, and look up for not enough people truly appreciate that which surrounds them.
--By the way,I think you are super fantastic. Everything about you. You will be famous...and 80% worth of day dreaming will take you places that not many people ever get to experience. Consider it a gift.--

At the time those words were written I was still bitter, I found no solace in them and did not understand the meaning. I read it again for the first time in years, yesterday and it brought me almost to tears ( not quite because as a man I do not cry…….humor is my crutch ;-) ) I finally understood, I owe so much to the one that wrote this. These few sentences erased a long time of uncertainty in seconds, and made me realize what it is I should have always known. Thank you. You have helped to make me stronger, and I will always stand by you, through thick and thin.


A lot of text I know, first Blog entry and a lot to say, I truly hope you are still reading because I have more to say.
But think I'll save it for another post.
I will end this by saying I will forever be happy and forever loved. I know what Love is. Undying, everlasting, and unchanging. And nothing along my journey, will alter that.

Be well unto others.