Ghostbusters? Sure, why not.
"There’s a saying old, says that love is blind
Still we’re often told, "seek and ye shall find"
-Someone to watch over me, sometimes you wish you were always able to watch over others.-
I was not alone in my adventure, however. There was in fact a co-pilot on my journey, a navigator of sorts.
We stumbled upon the early 1980's, and that's when life really smacked me in the face. I sat there like a dog caught in the act, tail between my legs, staring. What started out as a showcase of my Mother and immediate family growing up in south Philly, opened the door to a different area. An area that I don't talk about much, let alone show anyone. And here I was, no turning from it, changing the subject, or flipping the page, just the undeniable truth staring right back back at us from the page. His name was Robert Glenn Brown, and he is my father. We have never met, nor shall we ever, this a fact that I have made peace with.
But how do you make peace with a situation that you have no control over, or that wasn't your doing? Where can you find the forgiveness necessary to let go? In yourself. We alone have a boundless capacity for forgiveness, call it evolution, or call it a soul. However you define it is up to you but the immuteable truth is that we, in our hearts posses boundless limits of forgiveness. Think about it: You're at a party in which a drink is spilled on your shirt, initial reaction "What the fuck, I just got this shirt!" Anger, frustration. Natural responses to a negative stimulus. Maybe the person meant to spill the drink on you maybe it was an accident. Either way, it doesn't matter. You could retaliate and get angry with the person, maybe you'll get an apology, maybe a bruised ego and a couple broken bones. Where does that leave you then? Completely at peace with the situation? No, still frustrated and thinking now to yourself how you could of kicked his ass if you hadn't been drinking, or that he wasn't really sorry and didn't want to get his ass beaten. So who do you turn to? Where do you look for an answer? Inward. Sure, you may be thinking " Uh, that's just a spilled drink, not something serious." Of course the situations are different but the act of forgiving is the same, definitely harder, quite possibly more frightening, but the same. Because not only is it an act of forgiving others, but also an act of forgiving ourselves. For years I harbored feelings that my father leaving was because of me, "I had just been born and I drove him away". Later in life, I began to resent my Father for not wanting me, and never being there when I needed his guidance the most. "Where are you when I need you most?" Further on I began to deny the fact that I ever needed a father, that "I was better off without him". Next I felt pity for the man, that he would never know a son like me, the endless bounds of my love and commitment, my passion for what is right and just, but mostly the humor and personality that his son possesses. It was the start to my path of forgiveness. It wasn't easy and took me the better part of my life to achieve, but when I was able to admit to myself that it was okay, that my feelings were justified and correct, and it was okay to have them, that I was able to accept it. I was able to forgive the man for his faults in life, we are only human, and so is he.
Do I want him in my life, no.
Do I ever want to meet him, no.
Do I love him, yes.
Without him I would have never been brought into this world. I owe that to the man, he may not have had direct influence in raising me, but his blood lives on in me. We are only human, and so am I. He chose his path in life, as do we all. He caused uncountable moments of sadness, as we all feel. But this is life, it doesn't stop for anyone and so we push forward, and choose not to get lost in the dust. I will never receive an apology from him, or find any closure to the situation, except that which I find in myself. So why harbor ill will, towards something you have no control over? Forgive yourself first for feeling what all humans feel, then in your boundless capacity, choose your path, and forgive others.
It's okay.
I have found peace in believing in the endless bounds of Forgiveness, Love and Faith.
A part of me used to wonder what could have been different, how would my life be now, if he were still in it. I have made my peace with that. Then I heard it, the question I knew was coming, " Is that him?" Three words that echoed in my brain, resonating in the back of my skull, I answered with a short, "Yep, that's my father." It hit me yet again. I realized that no one in my life, besides my immediate family, had ever been privy to seeing him. Yet the feelings I expected to arise, did not. There was actually a peace in talking about him that I has previously never experienced. It threw me back, there was no resentment, or anger, or frustration. I sat there reeling, deer in headlights, old lady being flashed by a teenager or whatever term you use. I was able to share him with someone very close to my heart and I felt good about it. I felt great, a weight lifted from my chest. Deep breath. In, out, in. In forgiving myself and forgiving him, I was finally able to be happy about the situation in my heart. So we talked about him, the first time I ever talked about him, I let it all out while my friend listened, and it felt good. An odd sense of peace. My own form of closure.
So what's stopping you?
Forgiveness, Love and Faith
Thank you for helping me finally be at peace.
Forgiveness In the act of forgiving we are able to forgive ourselves.
Love Love is only defined by the amount we are able to love ourselves.
Faith Faith in ourselves and the Lord, knowing that we are only human.
Be well unto others, and yourselves.
JD
-When you forgive, you in no way change the past -
-but you sure do change the future-
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